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The injured 'self' bemoans and the 'whole' cajoles, the shattered 'self' rejoices and the 'whole' joins the merry.


Vanessa slumbered with the burden of unfed hope, the painful absence of lasting excitement that would shatter her senses, throw her asunder, whip her languor, maim her fettered passion, release the bonds of despair, lower the blinds of isolation, and push her into the green fields of activity. But, nothing ever happened, it angered her, depravity deepened with every moment passed in contemplation, isolation feathered harmoniously, she deplored her lack of resistance, solicited pain to assuage her suffering, she covered her bruises impatiently, for she did not care, it was of no use. Deep contemplations brutally left her detached; she mourned for her bereaved body with dead personality and impeached her very own purpose of living.

A definite answer would do, but any answer once found was open for subjective accommodations that degraded its vitality, its propensity, and it was no more definitive than the color of the sea that changes appreciably with every passing second. Vanessa sat herself on the couch near the window, legs folded, and her arms crossed, rested upon her breast. She regretted her choices, choices a plenty that she could no longer relate to the causes, ‘Hey, Vanessa, how are you?’ ‘thank you, I am doing fine Evans, and how are you, I hear you are engaged to be married next month, congratulations’ she replied without a hint of purpose, and yet painfully she discovered her facial muscles loosening into a faint and cordial smile with a worshipping reliance. Evans was beside herself, jumped in an unconscious outpour of jubilation, ‘she swallowed her tea with a huge gulp in a haste to examine my remarks’ Vanessa thought. Evans paused to necessitate her throat permit the vocal certainties after the huge ignorant gulp that almost burnt her insides and threatened to eviscerate her throat, dissociate it for a moment. She sat herself beside Vanessa and began to talk; gaining acquiescence, a granted accomplishment, for Vanessa conferred it. Evans could not have gained it, she was too miserable, her faculties curtailed the natural progress of furtherance, ‘quite right’, ‘is it so’, Vanessa remarked, every now an then to ease the preference, to make it more fertile for Evans to explore. 'Vanessa, can I borrow Evans for a moment please', of course she can, what was Vanessa to do with anything that doesn't belong to her, not even her body submitted, save for her mind, lest she wondered if 'she' had any meaning without it, if 'she' had no mind, how could 'she' think in the first place.

more guests were gathering, more cordial expressions and remarks shared, more excuses made, glasses clinked, some sat alone, some gathered in corners with others, who must have waited for the newcomers, women displayed their gorgeous dresses, well made, tugged and wrestled with the embellishments on them, men furtively glanced at the exquisitely dressed woman standing by the host, at the slenderly built woman with beautifully made up hair, who constantly shrugged, smoothly brushed her hair every now and then with her naked palm. Everyone engaged themselves with false intrigue and exclaimed almost mechanically, like a toy left with its key wound up. Many would listen patiently, offer a plaintive remark or the face of awe during the discourse, but it appeared to Vanessa that they were somehow disjointed with the occasion, it all looked foolish and naive, to inspire oneself, to affirm attitude, to occasion admiration for an insignificant colloquial. ‘its a charity worthy of remonstrance, of self denial, how could they just stand there and swallow inspection, pretend affirmation, grant illogical and superlative remarks’ Vanessa concluded, it would diminish one's self, one would grow into becoming the whole and thereby loosing one's self, its unpardonable, yet somehow the 'self' without a self esteem that has deemed itself a constituent of the 'whole' finds solace, the injured 'self' bemoans and the 'whole' cajoles, the shattered 'self' rejoices and the 'whole' joins the merry.

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